"may this love never find me"

ethical gossip vibes

On today's episode, we are talking about a specific couple's podcast episode that shook, rattled, and rolled TikTok the past week like, I cannot escape this tea.

my girlfriends, they keep updating me on the tea asking me, are you going to talk about this? So today we are talking about it.

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the tea

Okay, we are trying something new today and the vibe is ethical gossip.

i came across this tiktok video by @avgpolyglot on tiktok and in the video, they came up with a gossip matrix

And basically my interpretation of it is the best tea is when the tea is specific and the people are vague because with certain gossip that don't really concern you in an immediate sense, you don't need to know who the people are. you just need to know the situation so that you can learn from the situation and save yourself from having to learn it firsthand. And the creator of that TikTok video, a polyglot, they also point out that by being specific with the tea, but vague with the people, it allows us to talk about greater topics that can further enhance the conversation, essentially making the gossip constructive instead of destructive.

And I love reading the comments, so let's get into the comments.

And you know what? Yeah, we need to bring back the art of ethical gossip because gossip has been used by women for survival and I fear we have lost the art of it.

What's worse is instead of using gossip as a means of survival, as a means of helping other women, we are using gossip to destroy each other and basically turning gossip against each other, which defeats the purpose of gossip. And when I think of constructive gossip, I think of this scene in the first scene of Bridgerton, where Daphne's first suitor was essentially pressuring her to marry him by threatening to expose her for impropriety and lying that she has given away her virtue at a meeting where he purposely cornered her.

And then her mom was like, hold up, let me work my magic and get some tea from the maid.

And then it comes out that the guy had an illegitimate child with another maid and doesn't even support that child, and he's out here trying to get Daphne to marry him.

just trash behavior.

And that one piece of information, that gossip, is what saves Daphne from marrying that man. Like that's the purpose of gossip. And at some point in our socialization as women, we have learned the art of gossip from the women in our lives. women are taught to speak in stories or in parables, in gossip so as to keep safe while still relaying important information.

And so to keep in line with the art of gossip and as that commenter pointed out, ethical gossip, we're going to keep the tea specific but the people vague because we don't need to be focused on the people themselves. a lot of the time, the who isn't important. we don't need to know who these people are because if we're gossiping about them, they're already down bad.

we don't need to kick people when they're down, but we do need to know what we should or shouldn't do, at what time and for how long, or the type of people we should avoid, and the type of activities that we should avoid, the patterns we need to recognize, and so on. we just need the information to navigate the world safely and more effectively.

And we also talked about this before. But that's also kind of why women are low key psychic. And if you don't believe in any of that woo woo stuff from like a more grounded in reality point of view, it's basically just pattern recognition. And this pattern recognition technology was a means of keeping safe. because of the reality of moving about the world as women, the pattern recognition technology training is just so much more intense and we're just better at it.

So yeah, pattern recognition, gossiping and keeping safe. They all go hand in hand.

Now, with all that being said, that's the vibe for today's class. It's ethical gossip, where the tea is specific and the people are vague.

the tea fr

Last week there was this Korean TikToker who mainly does lifestyle content, and the vibe is generally wholesome, like the vibe is vibing on her TikTok, which is why a lot of people were shocked when she posted a podcast episode of her and her husband, and they were talking about the struggles that they had in their marriage, and a lot of new information came out, and it just had a lot of commenters saying, May this love never find me.

And there are three main issues that people had an issue with.

• Number one is the TikToker is pregnant and is the main breadwinner as a corporate worker and she's also doing social media full time like she is pregnant with two full time jobs.

• Number two, her dad drove her to work on a rainy day because her husband was busy. And then it comes out that he was just sitting at home because he didn't really have a job. So why wasn't he the one to drive his pregnant wife on a rainy day to work, to provide for their household?

• And also the biggest one that a lot of people had an issue with was a clip of the husband's sermon at his church, where he was a pastor. It resurfaced, and in the clip, he was referring to his wife as the person who lives at my house and calls her cruel and basically makes digs at her during what is supposed to be a sermon as a pastor.

Like, what spiritual enlightenment should people get from a man putting down his wife in front of his congregation? His wife, who Jesus told him to love as much as he loves Jesus himself? Putting down his wife in front of a crowd who is outside his covenant of marriage.

I'm not the best, most religious person, but even I know that so one would expect more from a pastor.

And as much as we all love to jump on the leave him feminism bandwagon, which apparently is a real term, it's a sub brand of feminism that a lot of us subscribe to. It's a manifestation of feminism online, especially in TikTok comments, Instagram comments. And it's basically whenever women tell other women to leave him as a sort of empowerment.

So as much as we all love to do that, we also have to recognize that we cannot leave out women who cannot leave him, leave the men who are making their lives miserable because at the end of the day, we are all at different levels of deconstruction and privileged to have the resources to leave. And without being in the same shoes as other women are in, we will never know what it's like.

And I know people don't want to hear this, but leave him feminism can be just as exclusionary as it is revolutionary.

But with all that being said, women do need to be reminded of their high inherent value and worth, that they can do better, and that misery in a relationship, in a marriage and feeling down about yourself simply for existing is not the way to go. Like, that's not it.

So the point of me saying that that leave him feminism can be as exclusionary as it is revolutionary, because it is revolutionary. Being able to leave a man is revolutionary. But in cases where women don't end up leaving him, we need to give them more grace because we will never know what it's like.

But also, with all that being said, nothing exists in a vacuum and other women's choice to stay in what they already described from their own words, from their own mouths, as relationships full of hardship inflicted by their partner. It still impacts other women, specifically how other women, especially younger women, perceive how relationships should be and what is and isn't tolerable.

And in the comment section of the numerous iterations of these podcasts, clips it’s repeatedly brought up how women create content about their terrible relationships, people express concern for them and then tell them to grow some self-respect and leave. And then the women who created the content create another video defending their man, their man, their man, where they say, oh, he isn't that bad. You guys don't know him like I do, and she stays with him. And that's been the formula for this type of content. it happens over and over and over and over again so much so that people have already predicted this to happen for this particular scenario.

With this particular TikToker, one of the top comments on the original TikTok's clarification video: she don't want to be saved. don't save her.

And you know what?

Yeah, she don't want to be saved and don't save her. But in showing everyone what she needs saving from, she may have saved other women from being in a similar situation.

This specific situation where this TikToker is pregnant and working two full time jobs with an unhelpful husband who badmouths her and church, has sparked so many conversations on marrying too young, dating and marrying within a religious context, dating and marrying within a Korean Christian church, and how a woman who has such a present and helpful and thoughtful father can still fall for an unhelpful husband, a below bare, minimum low effort husband. And we're going to get into those conversations today.

first, let's talk about marrying too young within a Christian church context.

One common theme in the reaction videos to this situation is how the TikToker is the poster child for what happens when you get married young or too young. And one common theme as well, in the reaction videos was Korean women expressing their church hurt and their negative experiences within the church as it relates to feeling a pressure to number one date within the church, and number two marry so quickly within the church.

And the original TikTok creator who posted the podcast, she acknowledged and validated these stories as well in a clarification video. And I'm not from that community, so I don't have much talk about it, but I wanted to shed a light on that issue as well, and it was very enlightening to me to hear these stories firsthand. And it just shows how organized religion can be so, so harmful to women, especially young women, who feel like they cannot advocate for themselves.

And this reminds me of our I'm Glad I'm Not Mormon class, where we talked about how certain religious groups are used as a means to control women's behavior in ways that benefit men at women's expense. And the revelations were revelationing in that class. So watch it if you missed it.

And in this specific context, many women in the church marry so quickly, so young, before they have developed a sense of themselves and the world around them—before their frontal lobes developed. And this is partly driven by the purity culture that exists within these societies. And to be clear, we also are not supporting hookup culture at all. They both exist within opposite ends of the spectrum. We also have a class about that.

But purity culture is not it either. When it's used to shame women for having female bodies and also when it is one of the main reasons as to why women marry so young and so quickly within purity culture societies way before they get to know the men that they are marrying theoretically for the rest of their lives. And one thing that has always bothered me with these groups is how there's a double standard for how one must adhere to the rules of the group, and women are held more tightly to these rules than others are. So yeah, that is the lens we are using to look into the situation.

I believe God loves us all.

And if you are seeking God and whatever form God takes and think you found him or her in a certain group setting, and if that certain group setting demands you to submit to others, other humans, other than God themself, if that certain group setting demands penance from you by virtue of being a woman and doesn't demand that same penance from others, then you're in the wrong group.

That group is leading you astray. That group is not enriching your relationship with God.

And if that group is pressuring you to tie yourself to another group member, a significantly older group member you met when you were a minor, and then you go on dates with that group member. They tell you that you're special. They can really see a future with you. You allow him to access you, but it's okay because you're getting married anyway, you know, and they're a higher up church leader. So they know best and they know which rules to break.

So then you let him access you, and then he texts you: I don't think God wants us to be together.

And then you realize that he was just another f boy in a different font. And then the group again pressures you to tie yourself to another group member, any group member at this point, because the group needs more members, and you're the only one who can make them by growing life in your womb. And then you marry the group member that everyone is pressuring you to be with.

And obviously you get married quickly because of purity culture. this time you're really following the rules and there's always a rush to get married within purity culture. And you don't really know who this guy is. You don't really know this guy well, and it's all because you're in a rush, like you're on a strict timeline.

Ever since you were little, since you have been conscious, it has been drilled in you that your only purpose and fulfillment in life is to be a wife to a God fearing man and mother to a brood of good religious babies who will then become adults, who will then join the church and be good tithing church members. But in all your rush to keep up with the good religious woman timeline, you didn't have time to figure out if this man was worthy of you, if his legacy was one worth furthering, if he cared about you at all, if he even liked you. You'd be surprised how people marry people who don't even like them.

This whole time you're doing everything amazingly. You go to school, you finish school, you have an amazing career. And because the church group has coddled your partner his whole life, telling him how amazing he is simply by virtue of being born not a woman, he simply coasts. He's just coasting. all he has to do is exist. And God will grant him a hard working, child bearing wife. And it's so funny to me how God always answers men's prayers in the form of a woman.

…God always answers men’s prayers in the form of a woman.

And actually, because you're doing so well, he starts to resent you and he does really bad stand up comedy at the church as a sermon and uses you for material. And you say yes to the script like, yeah, it's okay. You can badmouth me because if you have any issues with me doing more than you in this marriage, you're probably right. And on top of everything else I'm doing to keep the household afloat, I neglected to soothe your ego. That was not very good Christian woman of me. My bad.

[End scene.]

Obviously, that's a hypothetical scenario combining a bunch of core memory experiences. Women had in organized religious groups, like the way that we can all think of at least one woman who has experienced some, if not all, of these things. It's such a shame, because how such a beautiful, like literally the most beautiful concept of God can be co-opted by people seeking to take advantage of women.

Like it's beyond me.

And we've talked about this before. If you find yourself in one such group, leave. Leave and never look back. It's no longer the 1400s. You don't need the church or a group to mediate your relationship with God. you can do that all on your own—commune with yourself. And if you must commune with others, commune with other women who share your beliefs and want the best for you, not the people who want the best for the church at your expense.

If your relationship with God isn't strengthened by your communion with others, you need to find a new group. And like I said, it's such a shame that these groups who say that they are following the word of the Lord are the most misogynistic, the most judgmental, the least loving. Like, are we reading the same Bible?

Speaking of reading the same Bible, it also was said in the Bible:

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

1 Timothy 5:8 (NIV)

And I know it says anyone. But in this context, Paul was addressing men specifically.

And I also know that not everyone in the spoiled girlie support group follows Abrahamic religion, but this applies because the people in the situation we are discussing are heavily entrenched in their church, with the husband at one point being a pastor.

And so we see here how a pastor who preaches to a congregation about the failings of his wife as a good Christian wife, neglects to confront how he is failing his wife as a good Christian husband. And let's say life happens like a Christian husband cannot provide for some temporary reason. Okay, valid. Well, provision doesn't only come in the form of money.

Can you provide a warm, clean household, a safe haven for your wife to retire to after she goes out in the world and provides for your household?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".

Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)

And Miss INFJ on TikTok, who goes by the handle @thelifeofaninfj writes on this, and it's very infj behavior.

A husband’s love is shown through his actions, just like how Jesus showed His love by sacrificing for His people. Love is not just about emotions; it’s about responsibility and sacrifice. A husband who provides is reflecting the kind of love that God has for His people, one that is selfless, protective, and full of care. If a man truly loves his family, he will do everything to ensure they are well-fed, secure, and have what they need.

—@thelifeofaninfj on Tiktok

And this hit everything on the head and the purpose of the section wasn't to recruit you into becoming Christian or follow any sort of Abrahamic religion. Religious beliefs are very personal and it is a very individual path that you must initiate all on your own. But we're bringing all this up because it's very clear that many women who are already subscribed to these groups are under the impression that only they should be closely held to the teachings of the Bible and others aren't. When it is very clear in the Bible, written in the Bible, the written word, that men are also held to the same standards of love and care and magnanimity and generosity that women are.

So if you find yourself in these groups that you are held to higher standards, to let boys be boys, then your church group, I'm sorry to say, is taking advantage of your desire to get closer to God.

And that's the least Christlike thing imaginable.

Speaking of a provider man, there was a part in the podcast episode where the TikToker asks herself, what if she married a rich man?

“what if i married a rich man?”

would she have all of these problems if she married a rich man? Would she go through all these trials and tribulations, be pregnant, and work two full time jobs if she married a rich man?

And I love how the comments are like, girl, it doesn't matter if you marry a rich man, it's the fact that he cares about you.

exactly! if your partner actually likes you and cares for you and loves you like life gets so much easier.

that's the reason we partner up with people is not to make life harder is to make life easier. So when your life is harder, when you have a partner that's not your partner, that's an OP.

And also a man who truly loves you will be self-aware enough to recognize if he cannot bring positivity to your life, if he knows that he's only going to bring suffering to your life, if he really loves you, he will avoid you—that's the core of it.

if you are with a man who you think he loves you because he says he loves you, but is only bringing suffering to your life while he is coasting and playing video games and just having a grand time of his life, that man doesn't love you. can we learn to read between the lines? A man who loves you will not make you suffer point blank period.

Whether a man is rich, poor or anything in between, a man who loves you will not make you suffer.

And suffering is also relative because the husband on the podcast, he brings up how he grew up poor like he's always been poor and he doesn't think being poor is suffering. And he also doesn't think about the future like she does. Like for him, rent being paid. They're eating three meals like there's nothing to worry about. But the wife is worried about those future down the line things. She has a finance education, so she's saving and investing for the future. She's meeting with financial advisors that he doesn't even care to meet because he's like, oh, well, I do feel like I'm just not going to be a part of it.

and she's doing all of these things. She's setting aside education accounts for their children so that they don't have college debt because she didn't have college debt, because her own father paid for her college. And it's just very clear that they have two completely different perspectives on money and finances and future planning.

And he's perfectly fine with not making a lot of money or any money at all. But she has a higher standard for herself and her children that her husband just doesn't care to meet. And that's fine that he doesn't want to meet these expectations, these high earning expectations if he was a single man, but he's not. it would also all be fine if he married a woman with similar expectations. But he didn't.

And the flip side is true as well. She has these high, high earning expectations. And that is also 100% completely fine. If she was single, that is also 100% completely fine. If she married someone with the same exact high earning outlook. But she didn't.

So she marries a man who doesn't share the same outlook as she does, but she still has these same high earning expectations for her family unit. It has to come from somewhere, so it comes from her, and so she does everything. So on top of being pregnant and birthing their child, going to doctors appointments, managing their finances on top of running the household, on top of working two full time jobs, that's a lot.

And I know people marry with mismatched financial expectations, financial outlooks but at the core of the situation is the husband just doesn't care about her, period. So he doesn't care to step up when he can to bridge the gap so that she doesn't have to do so much. Like she's really caring the whole entire team like MVP.

And the lesson here is if you must find a partner, a husband, like make sure that you're on the same page. You have the same outlook, the same expectations, because one has to give. And if you have higher expectations, higher standards than your partner, then you're going to have to bridge that gap all on your own. And this scenario happens all the time.

And it's clear by the existence of this podcast episode that we're talking about where the woman is fantasizing about marrying a rich man, that it's probably not the happy ending that she was going for.

And obviously, this is real life. Like there's no magical happy ending where you get whisked away in a white dress and everything is perfect. The end. But life also doesn't have to be full of suffering, full of daydreaming about what ifs because you want to escape from a terrible reality you thought you wanted before your frontal lobe developed.

It is very clear that you have so much to give, and you have already given so much, and it isn't too much to expect to be given some of it back.

Bestie wake up!